The Living and Dying in 3/4 Time Boys gather at Busters to enjoy the great food, the festive ambiance of vacationing Americans, and the free El Compare tequila they know they can always manage to squeeze from their old buddy Buster. Mind you, the boys do consider themselves more than just a bunch of devastatingly handsome, and smart to a fault, bunch old guys just hanging out at a beach bar, watching the pretty girls and waiting to die. Much, more in fact. In their opinion, they are much closer to something more along the lines of a “think tank” with tequila, than just the bunch of old, know-it-all bar rats they actually are. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your perspective, the discussions often got much deeper than their bar bills, and Buster could certainly vouch for that.
The boys all had one thing in common, perhaps the only thing in common for that matter, and that was they all despised both, Republicans and Democrats, equally. For them, the Rs are a bunch of gazillion-aire, country club outlaws, that use social issues they actually care absolutely nothing about, to lead middle class Americans around by their bibles, flags and guns, making sure they are not paying a bit of attention, while they all the while are fleecing the taxpayers for corporate wars, corporate welfare and expensive toilet seats. Ds on the other hand are a bunch of pathetic, spineless wimps who need to climb down from their ivory towers and live in the real world with everyone else. In the boys ideology, the world is not an ideal place and “Wimpocrats” live in some naive ideal dream world where everyone plays by the rules, so their answer is always just make a huge rulebook and keep us all confused and red taped to death in the process. The bad thing is the corporations wrote their rule book too, so guess who wins again.
In the boy’s ideology, if it had a corporation attached to it, it had to be bad. Period. And that of course meant both political parties were wrong, misguided and equally greedy and untrustworthy. Corporate and corporate lite, take your pick. For them, it was about the American dream. All were old enough to remember when that was a house, with a picket fence, two cars in the garage, 2.5 happy college bound children with perfect teeth, and enough left over for Mom and Dad to enjoy life a bit. Competing with greedy top heavy corporations for their retirement tomorrow, and fifteen immigrants living in one house for a job today, was not in the plans and why the boys blamed the corporations and their prostitutes in Washington for all that is wrong. No, corporations and their bottom lines stole the American Dream, and the Rs and the D’s allowed them to do it! If that was the America they had to love or leave, they decided they would take the latter, and they did. Muchos gracias!
Occasionally, some poor unsuspecting fool from the US, R or D, it matters not, will mistake the boys for a bunch of tequila brained old fools and start a political discussion, and when they do, the crucifixion begins. The poor fools never know what hit them.
On this particular evening, a “mixed” couple from Pittsburgh, Ralph and Mattie, had joined the boys and had moved an innocent conversation about boob jobs, and how inexpensive and good they are in Mexico, into a political war. So go the Rs and the Ds in the US. Unlike most mixed couples though, Ralph was the Democrat and Mattie the Republican. You never know what you’ll find at Busters!
“You can buy a nice set of ta-tas here for $1,500.” said Ernie. “Real beauties too. It always surprises people to know that Mexico has really high quality health care and it is very cheap. Elective or otherwise.”
“Oh don’t get me started about our Obama Care,” chimed in Mattie. “It wouldn’t surprise me if Obama didn’t include great boobies for everyone in his little plan. Maybe he wants the government to buy Michelle a new set. They’re looking a little old these days.”
“I apologize guys for my wife’s tacky mouth,” laughed Ralph. “She gets a little catty when she listens to Ann Coulter too much. And FYI my lady, the Affordable Care Act is insuring the millions that had no coverage before.”
“Yes, and strangling small businesses like mine and the household budgets of our employees as well in the process,” she volleyed back with an angry smile.
Ronnie, who been quietly waiting to pounce finally piped in, “Now wait one minute Mattie. I ain’t sure I agree with you here.”
“Oh here we go, another Democrat. Bring it big boy,” Mattie replied.
“No, I’m no Democrat. But what I want to know is, do you guys got something against big tits? I don’ t know nothing about no Obama Care or Affordable whatever Act, but if it includes buying big tits for all, hey I’m for it. But all that aside, it sounds like you got something against Michelle Obama?”
Giles leaned over to Mattie and whispered, “Jethro there has a thing for Michelle Obama. Be careful.”
“I heard that Giles,” laughed Ronny with his usual sly old grin that always made people think he was a dumb bumpkin, when in fact he was very far from that. He turned to Mattie and said with a total straight face, “Look, I just have enormous respect for the first lady. And yes, maybe I do respect her just a bit more when she is wearing one of those sequined, off the shoulder gowns you see her in when the muckity-mucks are over for supper. And yes, my respect level went way up with the famous National Inquirer photo by the pool in the chase lounge. That was some hot respect right there.”
By now his straight face was beginning to fall apart, but he continued. “And yes I think a nice big set of government paid for tits on Michelle would be not only smoking hot in those bling bling gowns, but present a spectacular image for the entire world to see. You know, a source of national pride showing the world, our first lady has the nicest first rack in the world kinda thing.”
“They would be the “First Boobies,” laughed Giles. “Or perhaps, America’s Boobies.”
Ernie jumped in with his usual serious tone. “I think I’m going to have to agree with the boys here Mattie. Lots of studies indicate a woman’s physical health is connected to her mental health. You know how women are about that whole self esteem, chemical, cycle, woman thing, you guys do. There are also tons of studies on how cosmetic surgery does this and that to help women gain confidence, self esteem and a host of other health related psycho-babble. Not a stretch to say a nice set of D’s wouldn’t help a woman’s health. I say, big boobies for everyone too.”
“Hey,” laughed in Ronny, “as many congressmen that used to come to my strip joints, Rs and Ds both, I think big boobies for all would get what the talking heads like to call “rare bipartisan approval”. Rs could say it is pro-family because it keeps dads home nights and then of course add that boobies don’t break up families, cheating, Godless, scumbags do! Something like that. D’s of course would just argue that women should have the right to choose; big, small, perky …”
“Okay guys, ha ha, very funny” said Ralph. “The Affordable Care Act doesn’t cover elective cosmetic surgeries. That isn’t something the insurance companies should have to pay for.”
Suddenly the table got quiet and neither the R or the D said a word. The boys looked at one another as if to ask, who wants this? Finally, Giles, the “token gay dude” as the others often referred to him, piped up, “Well, regarding buying women tits, I got no dog in that fight. I will say I think Mexico’s health care is better overall than the US, that is for sure.” The R and the D just stared at Giles but said nothing, so he continued. “We have very good health care and it is attainable for all. You guys have the very best health care, but it not as attainable and very expensive for all. You have corporatized medicine, have either of you two ever heard that word? No of course you haven’t. It’s because you relied on your corporate media to lead the discussion when you had that little national chit chat about health care a few years ago.”
“Trust me, we get to both side of the issues in our house,” said Ralph. “We have a rule, odd days we watch CNN and even days we watch Fox. I’d say we get both sides covered pretty good actually.
“We know, we’ve been listening to you both talk,” laughed Giles. “You sound like Bill O’ Wacko and Anderson to the Rescue for crying out loud. When those overpaid talking heads were jabbering like you two are right now about health care, what they were really talking about was how do you pay for health care, and not about actual health care.
“I suppose that is true enough,” shrugged Ralph, who looked over at Mattie who nodded her head sideways, as if she agreed.
Now Giles was finding his groove and away he continued. “So the corporate media, led the the discussion on the misrepresented topic of how you pay for corporate health care, always railing on “socialized” Medicine, how many times did you hear that word, and never really discussing the corporate side of health care. The huge overheads and record profits of the insurance, hospital and pharmaceutical corporations were never brought up by Fox, CNN, Rs or D’s. Some discussion.”
“Uh oh guys, ” whispered Ronny to the couple. “Hell hath no fury like a gay man on political fire.”
Giles gave Ronny the stare of death but fortunately, Buster walked by with a tray of cold Montejos and steaming plates of his chipotle/mole arroz con pollo, diverting Giles glare and most likely saving Ronny’s butt in the process.
“Hey Buster,” called Giles as he passed. “How much does it cost to put one of your employees in the national health plan here?”
Buster, never missing his stride as he passed said, “about $30 a month each,” and away he sailed with the giant platter.
“And like most nationalized health care programs, it is not perfect but it really works well. People go to the doctor when they need it here, not when they can, like in the US. And we have very good private health care here too. It’s not a giant industry, thank God for that, but it is high quality, inexpensive and very good. An annual physical cost about $75 out the door. That includes the 45 minute consult, and by the way, when was the last time you spent that much time with a doctor who wasn’t actually operating on your ass in the US, anyway, lab work and all the same stuff they do in the US, except the rush.”
“Yea, talkin’ about working on your ass, I had boil on mine the size of Rhode Island,” said Ronny, “and the doctor at the private clinic lanced that rascal and it cost me $400 pesos, about $35. Stitches, pain medicine, the whole thing. Man, that was so nasty, I wouldn’t have done that for all the money on K Street.”
The group just stared at Ronnie and said nothing. About that time, Buster was returning with the empty tray, and in a rush to get another order. “Hey Buster,” called Ronnie, “Should insurance companies be forced to pay for big boob jobs?”
Buster stopped, but did not turn around. He paused, shook his head and continued toward the bar, never saying a word.
“Look Mattie, its like this,” said Ronny, again, with total confidence and a complete straight face. “Government doesn’t pay for boobies here either. But because we don’t have giant corporations covering huge overheads and stockholder profits, a nice set of boobies are affordable for almost all. Enough for me anyway. Think about it though, if you get the price of boobies low in the states like here, poor flat-chested trailer trash, transvestites or just any guy who has one of those “she has everything, what should I buy her” wives, would be set. Would have been bad for my business since I ran strip joints back home though, now that I think about it. Hell, if everyone had big tits, wouldn’t nobody pay to see the ones I had. You know, I might be flopping on this issue the more we discuss it here.”
Once again, Buster came by and Ronny called out, “Hey Buster …”
Before he could finish though, Buster replied “I’m for whatever is for the big boobs you guys are talking about.” And by he flew with a bottle of El Compadre.
“So if the health care is so good, why are we paying for so much Mexican health care in the US,” asked Mattie with a gotcha grin.
“That’s easy,” replied Ernie. “They don’t go the the US for health care, they go there to work. In the process, they need health care. What do you want them to do, sneak back into Mexico every time they get sick.”
“We’ll. There you have it then,” said Mattie. “Maybe they shouldn’t be there to begin with. Obama is letting anyone who wants to just walk right in because he and that bunch of do-gooders he has in congress.”
“My guess is there was some redneck saying the same thing when your Irish great grand dad first came the US too,” Ralph reminded his wife.”Remember, we all came from immigrants at some point.
“Oh, here we go with the Wolfe and Sean show again,” piped in Giles. “Will you guys stop it. Look, Republicans and Democrats could not care less about either of you. Like on this nonsense about immigration reform. Pleeeeze. Both sides are just trying to figure out how to keep cheap labor coming without pissing either of you off. Mattie, your guys blame everything that is bad on Mexicans, so now they have to say tough stuff like “no amnesty”, whatever that is, but a guest worker program, where everyone is legal is somehow okay. So now they have to convince a bunch of red neck southern states, that letting little brown guest workers come in and steal their job is okay somehow.”
Ralph laughed out loud, enjoying watch his wife squirm in her bar stool.
“Oh, I wouldn’t be doing any end zone dance’s there Mister Democrat,” said Giles in that smarter and more enlightened than thou tone he was so good with. “Your guys are even more pathetic on this one. They are having to convince hard working middle-class Americans, like the ones in the unions that heavily support your party, that allowing Mexicans in to fulfill dreams is okay, while their wages are falling and their own American dream is getting harder and harder to realize because Mexicans will work for what Americans can’t, not won’t! The American worker, the one your party claims to support, the brick layer, the carpenter, the meat cutter, the janitors, all of them, have been thrown under the bus by the party that is supposed to support them.”
“Dare I say, ouch,” giggled Mattie.
“I wouldn’t if I …” was all Ronny got out before Giles continued. “Oh don’t get me started about throwing your own people under the bus. Rs have been stringing along the Christian Right for about 35 years now but you still can’t pray in schools and women can still get abortions. They can get corporations laws that allow them to pollute, abuse workers and destroy the environment, why can’t they get a law to stop doctors from killing babies, or people from burning flags if it is so damn important? Compared to contaminating ground water so oil companies can get their gold or starting wars based on lies, how hard could it be to make it so only a man and a woman can get married. They haven’t done any of that! I think if it mattered as much to them as convincing us the climate is not changing, they would have done all those things. The reality is they don’t care about any of those people, babies, flags or whatever. Stop me when I’m wrong baby!” With that, he licked his finger and touched his butt, and let out a loud shhhhh sound as he sat back in his chair.
Grins were all around but the table went silent.
Finally Buster stopped as he was passing through, tequila and shot glasses still in hand, and flopped down into the one empty chair at the table.
“Sorry Mattie, Ralph, I did not know I was going to be playing waiter. I hope the boys have been keeping you entertained. When I heard you were talking boobs, I assumed all was okay, but you never know with these guys, especially after a few El Compadre’s.” With that he began to pour a shot for all.
“Let me give you some advice,” Buster laughed. “Never talk politics or religion with these guys. They can be brutal.”
“Is that fact,” said Mattie with a laugh.
“We had a great political discussion actually,” said Ralph. “Ernie and had very compelling thoughts on health care and psychology. Ronny just plain knows his boobies in general. And Giles chewed us both out equally. I can see where he might ruffle a few feathers but you know, he’s right.”
“Right my ass,” said Mattie. “I never said he was right about all that. Some maybe.”
“Yea, the part where he ripped me a new one. Right?”
“Right, that’s why I like these guys,” laughed Mattie. “Like I said, bring it!”
“Well, I do have one question then Mattie,” asked Ronny with his old sly grin that said he was looking for a fight. “How is you can be the R and Ralph here the D. I mean come on, Republicans have almost no history of legislative action that is considered pro- woman. Hell, NOW gave McCain a zero on a forty year voting record on women’s issues. I guess what I’m not understanding is that you being an R, is like we say back home, kinda like a chicken votin’ for Colonel Sanders for crying out loud?”
Mattie roared with laughter and fired back, “NOW! Are you kidding me. That bunch of feminazis … .”
With that Buster grabbed his bottle and away he went. He figured that was best, before the topic got around to something that actually interested Ronny again, like butts or electronic voting machines. Like the rest of the boys, Buster moved to get away from Rs and D’s, except unlike his friends, he preferred to leave all that to the Americans. He knew, whether they did or not, that was why they were vacationing in Mexico. They’re tired of it too, they just don’t know it. Or perhaps, just refuse to see it? Oh well???
And so it goes, when you are living and dying in 3/4 time.