The beach was almost full at Buster’s on another beautiful Costa Maya winter day. Kids were splashing away in the shallow and perfectly calm, reef protected waters in front of Buster’s on the Beach. Tables were full of ceviche, Costa Maya Jambalaya, and buckets of icy cold Corona were everywhere. People were stretched out on massage tables, and the massage girls were making them forget there was anyplace else in the entire world other than right there; paradise. The Living and Dyin’ in 3/4 Time Boys were, as usual, hanging in front of Buster’s, taking up one of his best tables and drinking from his complimentary El Compadre bottle while they watched the world, and the pretty girls go by.
“Have you noticed how you don’t get boogers down here in the tropics,” Ronny asked with a complete straight face.
The other guys all wiped, picked and twitched their noses without saying a word. They all looked at Ronny as if to say, “Okay, so what is the punch line?”
Finally, Ronny said, “What? I think about these things.”
“You are an amazing thinker Ronny,” laughed Buster.
Suddenly, Skinny Juan, or Juan Flaco, one of Buster’s waiters, came to him and said he had a “grande problema”. Seemed one of the guest was lounging topless and another group was asking to be re-seated because of it. Ronny, faster than you can say “grande chi chis”, immediately bolted for higher ground and was climbing Buster’s stairs and heading for the roof and it’s even better view of the beach.
“Senor Buster, I do not want to talk to this lady. Por favor, can you go talk to her?” laughed Juan Flaco.
Buster let go a sigh, but what could he say. He was the boss. He groaned and rose from his chair thinking how he could ask the lady if she could please cover up. The guys all laughed and joked about what a tough job Buster had and of course all volunteered to do the dirty work.
“Down boys. This requires a somewhat delicate tact, something you buffoons don’t have a drop of in you,” said Buster. “You see, this is not as easy as you knuckleheads think. It isn’t illegal for a woman, just like a man, to be topless on a beach in Mexico. When it comes to topless, in the eyes of Mexican law, all are equal. I know from this table, and the eyes in it, there is nothing equal about topless men and women, but we don’t make the law, I guess we just enjoy it. Nudity on the other hand, is illegal here, so as long as she keeps her pants on, there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I know you guys don’t believe me, but I hate this kind of stuff. Oh well, professional and respectful, that is how you handle this sort of thing. Watch the pro!”
“Yea, I’ll bet you hate it,” laughed Rick.
With that, Buster headed out to chat with the topless lady. As he approached her though, Buster suddenly stopped and seemed to just stare. Finally, after several seconds, he gathered himself and slowly backed away, before returning to the table with something between shock and awe on his face.
“Sweet Mother of Jesus!” said Buster. “Those are amazing!”
“So much for professional and respectful’” roared Giles.
“No, I’m serious. I see these things every day, so I’m not easily impressed but I gotta say, those are truly amazing. I kinda didn’t have a clue what to say once I walked up, they shook me up so much.
Suddenly, Chubby Juan or Juan Gordo, came up to Buster and said, “Senior Buster, there are several ladies on the beach who want me to ask the lady with the grande chi chis to cover up. No way I can ask her Senior Buster. Please do not make me do that. My wife, she kill me if she see me even talking to those chi chis.”
“Okay guys. Get it together. It’s not like we haven’t ever seen a pair of tits before. Okay, professional and respectful,” repeated Buster, trying to not laugh.
“Wait a second Buster. I gotta see these big guys if they’re that good,” chimed in Rick, a self described expert on anything related to women. “Wait right here. I’ll be right back.”
“No Rick, you can’t go out there and stare at one of my guests. That’s not right or normal. But then again, those aren’t normal tits either,” laughed Buster. “Okay, this goes against my sense of professionalism, as well as decency, but what the heck. Just hurry and don’t be too obvious about it.”
“Don’t worry, the Rickster is cool. Watch this,” he said as he put on his dark shades and away he went. He nonchalantly passed the lady, not even giving her a glance as he walked past her and to the water’s edge. He placed his feet into the water as if he were testing it for a trip in later. The guys all watched and were surprised how well Rick managed to stroll by and not be noticed by anyone, especially the big breasted lady. He turned and began to walk toward the lady, his head pointed straight ahead but his eyes, the guys all knew, where looking right at the lady from behind the dark shades. That , they were sure of. It was even more obvious when cool Rickster walked into the little drink table and stumbled right in front of the giggling lady, who did not even look up from the novel she was reading.
By now, most of the male guests were in the water with their dark sunglasses on, where the view of the beach is the best, and waving back at their wives. Finally, Buster said, “This is too much. I’m going to need some heavy artillery for this one.” He went into the restaurant and emerged a few minutes later with a Buster’s on the Beach T-shirt and a bottle of El Compdre. He walked over to the lady and began to talk while all the guys watched and got ready to laugh. After a couple minutes, the lady sat up and slid into her new Buster’s on the Beach T-shirt. Buster sat and chatted with the lady for several more minutes and finally got up, leaving the bottle of tequila and returned to the table.
“There you go guys,” said Buster as he strolled by the boys with a big grin. “Respectful and professional. Just like I told you. Problem solved.”
The boys all looked at each other and laughed. “What did you say?” they all wanted to know.
“She was pretty cool. I told her I had a problem, or more like a couple problems and they were pretty big problems. I told her they were the sort of problems all men would really like to have though and I was lucky to have such problems at my restaurant. She laughed and told me she just had implants put in and was wanting to show those bad boys off a little. She was pretty understanding when I told her the daddies were staring at her and the mommies were staring at me, and not in a good way either. So I made a deal with her. I told her if she really wanted to show off, I’d give her a free Buster’s T-shirt if she would do me a favor and slide into it and parade around here for a while in that. That will get the mommies off my waiters and still keep the daddies happy. And no, it was no mistake that the shirt I took her was too small. You guys should have seen it when she squeezed into that thing too. Amazing!”
“Like you said Giles, professional and respectful,” laughed Rick.
Buster looked at him with a sheepish grin and said, “What, you think I did that for the cheap thrill of looking at her tits? No, no, I had professional reasons only. That was a money making opportunity. You’ll see.”
About this time, Ronny came out of the stairway with the look of disappointment on his face and a bloody knee and said, “I couldn’t see a thing from up there. Damn near killed myself on that broken ladder of yours up there too Buster. Do you think you can fix that thing before the next set of bodacious tah tahs come to town. Maybe trim those coco trees a little too. Couldn’t see ca-ca from up there.”
“Shouldn’t have taken the high road Jethro,” laughed Giles. “Buster took the low road and he got a the best view in the house.”
Ronny, who was easily confused just said, “huh?” He looked at Buster with that far away look in his eye when suddenly, the lady of the hour, got up from her lounge chair. All were speechless as she turned her back to the boys and bent over to gather her stuff and put it into her beach bag. She turned and sauntered up to the table where all the guys were gawking and as quiet as a bunch of 12 year olds looking at their first Playboy magazine. Her shirt was much too tight and because it was now wet with sweat and sunscreen, her breathtaking shape seemed even more amazing.
She stopped at the boy’s table and said, ”Okay Buster. You promised to help me drink this El Compadre?”
“Sorry boys, your daddy has to go to work.” laughed Buster as he got up from the table and left the boys gawking at his new drinking buddy. As Buster and the prom queen went looking for shot glasses and limes, the boy’s stare was interrupted by one of the male guests asking, “Hey do any of you guys know where we can get some of those T-shirts?”
They turned and saw five male guests standing there grinning.
“Yea, I’m hoping my wife looks even close to that good in one of those. She actually told me to go buy her two. Her size and the next size smaller. Hey, who am I to argue.”
“Pinche Buster,” laughed Giles. “Only he can fix the problem, make money off the fix and get the girl. How does he do that?”
And so it goes, when you’re livin’ and dyin’ in ¾ time!